I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve never been held against my will in a freaky-deaky rapist’s yard for 18 years. But I imagine most of my regrets over “what could have been” would stem from all those missed broadcasts of the 11 p.m. SportsCenter. Orange County Register sports columnist Mark Whicker just penned the shit out of what is either the most brilliantly subversive anti-journalistic article ever crafted or the most awkward, self-absorbed jumble of text this side of Vice Magazine:

Box scores were not available to her from June 10, 1991 until Aug. 31 of this year.

She never saw a highlight. Never got to the ballpark for Beach Towel Night. Probably hasn’t high-fived in a while.

She was not allowed to spike a volleyball. Or pitch a softball. Or smack a forehand down the line. Or run in a 5-footer for double bogey.

Now, that’s deprivation.

Ha ha ha! We can all relate, right? God sports are so great. Any time I’m not hearing Stuart Scott say something like, “He must be butter, ‘cause he’s on a roll!” I totally feel like I’m being raped for two decades. Read the full story here. [via The Awl]